I have been feeling rather dejected lately with Snowy dying in the freak drowning accident. Since then I have been thinking. Why all the negativity? Why all the despair? Why all the agony? Why the persistence in making myself feel miserable? The answer?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I have been reading a few self-improvement books and been thinking about my life, my lack of confidence in relationships and the pessimism about life. All this negativity is rather leeching and is causing serious damage to my relationships with my friends and my loved ones. It also dawned to me that for things to change I have to change first. Napolean Hill once said:

"If you believe in something hard enough, that belief will come true."

I think in a certain aspect this is true. All my negativity in relationships is draining my energy from things that matter. This energy can be channelled into making myself a better person. That way at least it will be more constructive. I thought that loniness is my destiny, there wun be anyone for me and that loyalty is passe. I once had a furious arguement with one of my friends from my younger days about loyalty and the right mate. This was right after Cheryl left me, followed by dear Faith and I was pretty upset. I was insistent there is no such thing as loyalty and that there are no decent gals out there. Not saying that Faith and Cheryl are indecent, just that I was not the cup of tea. Nowadays, the preferred beverage is alcoholic. Anyway, her claim was that me, being who I was , attracted the kind of gals that I have around. It is sorta like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Right now, I believe in that there is love. I look at my mum and I envy my dad in that he found such a loyal woman. I look at Jiaxi, Jun's parents and around me, I noticed a few more such cases. Its not many but it offers a glimpse of hope in that there is love and loyalty in a relationship is not extinct. The gf is a part of a complete life apart from being financially sound. Its the joy of finding someone to share your every joy, every tear and fear. Right now, I believe, for me to find someone to make my life complete, I have to change first. Its going to hard and its going to be gruel. But at the end of the rainbow there is a treasure chest. I look into myself and reach for the strength to bring me to my pot of gold. ^ ^

Preparing for my big trekking trip alone has made me think more than any other time. I have to make this trip. Its a symbolic journey of self-discovery and awareness. To allow me to appreciate the comforts that I have right now and that things can be so much worse. Its kinda tough, especially when initially Snowy was supposed to come with me. I think its all part of a grand plan. He was taken from me in order for me to grow and become a better person. I say out loud:

"Snowy, Daddy misses you! Thank you for everything"

I think its about time I appreciate the people around me. Its karma and fate that our lifes are intertwined and everything happens for a reason. I am thankful that these people are present regardless of whether they bring great tidings or bad news.

I think I should apologise to Michelle who came to visit me but due to certain events and emotions, I am unable to be a better host that I normally would be able to. My bad.

And Shirley, thanks for the emotional support. =) You have been great!

Lastly, to all the Cancerians, Happi Birthday to all 6 of you. =) The wonders of life's crabs.